A Fool To Think...

I went to bed last night looking forward to burrowing myself between my sheets...finally home and finally to sleep...yet thoughts wouldn't stop running through my mind. Tired and frustrated, I laid my head on my pillow and felt a sweeping calmness come over me. There was nothing there and Everything all at once. I knew I was not alone. I laid in bed and tried to capture what it was that came to join me. It seemed to slip just out of reach when I got closer and closer. Afraid to fall asleep and lose it, I tried harder to constrain it. I spoke to it and tried to listen. Too soon, I awoke and remembered my visitor. He had left, but had not left me behind. Now I know, I'm not alone. I have never been and I'm only a fool to ever think I was.

Cheers

"Here's to our problems
And here's to our fights
Here's to our achings
And here's to you having a Good life
From Me
Good Life"
-Francis Dunery

keep your feet on the ground

It's been really hard to come back and find my place, my nitch again. I can recall thinking that my trip to Australia came at a really good time for me, and it did. It served as a good escape. I hate thinking of it as an escape. Someone expressed their thoughts to me about going to Australia as a time for me to get away, do what I want to do, and no one would ever have to know about it. Well that was all wrong, and it's not what I wanted my trip to be about. I wanted to view it as part of my life, as simple and true as that statement it, it plays so many roles in my head. Austarlia wasn't supposed to be a getaway, a time to rebel, a time to "find myself"...I already knew who I was. It was simply what I was doing with my life at that time, maybe a milestone of sorts, maybe not. But regardless, I'm back here and sometimes I can't help to feel that I'm back from my "escape". I was thrilled to be back because I wanted to fall back into that comfortable nitch that I loved being part of at Purdue. As this week went by, I realized that nitch is going to be harder to get back.

There have been certain events in the past couple of weeks that have tested my faith. I feel that it would be so easy right now to throw my arms up in the air and walk on, alone. I'm fully aware of the consequences that would carry, and how weak of a statement that is, but regardless of what that statement means or entails, it still holds true.

I'm digging to find something. And there is a fear of being smothered.

clear sky
clouded head

Judgement

Do you trust your judgement? What an interesting question.

Now, do you trust yourself to follow your judgement??

Whoa.

Humble me

I've spent the past semester in a gorgeous high rise apt. complex. Every morning, my breathe was taken away from the sun rise over downtown Sydney. The Opera House, Sydney Harbour, and Harbour Bridge became my home. Almost everyday, the weather had me believing I was in paradise on Earth. I'm sitting here now in the midwest, looking out the window fully conscience of the fact that my surroundings are corn fields and other vegetation that I wouldn't be able to identify for the life of me. I'm also taking witness to the one thing that everyone who is from or has lived in the midwest can relate on, the unpredicting - makes you want to laugh and pull your hair out at the same time - weather. I believe a tsunami just came through when 5 min prior, it was hailing, and prior to that there was a heat wave, but that was proceeded by a lightening storm that came after tornado warnings which were much a surprise after a goregous 70 something degree fair sky morning. Someone I hold near and dear to me is experiencing the same wild transition and certain words of his couldn't have been better phrased, "Life came to a screeching halt".

The more I think about it, the more I believe this is His version of a reality check point for me. I think about it, and I nod my head in agreement. Don't get me wrong though...even through all of this, there are certain things....close friends and many memories that I would never be able to find anywhere else in the world. This thought process stems from more of a physical aspect.

I'm excited to make the most out of this coming school year, and enjoy it to the fullest because the one thing that remains afterwards is the unkown.

Assume a Virtue

I was having one of those all too famous conversations about nothing and everything all at once with a dear friend. A story at hand led him to quote Hamlet, "Assume a virtue if you have it not". He proceeded to elaborate, that if a person fakes a virtue so much that they begin to believe it exists within them, it becomes alive and therefore, was always there. If this holds true, does it mean that everything is alive within everyone? Do certain virtues, differing from person to person, simply need to be jolted awake??

I've always considered myself to be extremely impatient, so impatient that I would become frustrated with myself. It was until a short time before I studied abroad, mostly during my trip, that I slowly started to realize personal improvement in the patience department. How or why this sleeping virtue awoke within me remains a mystery for I was not consciencously working on my patience, the virtue I wished I was blessed with far too many times. I know I wasn't faking it at any point either, so why the sudden jolt? Maybe I should excercise this new virtue and be grateful instead of questioning anything. Yes, yes, that sounds good.

Just something I found interesting to think about. That's all folks.