It's been a crzy/wierd/interesting/enlightening/painful/eye opening/holy cowness couple of weeks .... months ... semester, and I'm still wondering where it leaves me in all of this.
I look back at times, pictures, moments, events, and I smile. I smile so much that I wish I could go back, for just a minute, an hour, a day.
We surfaced after being underwater for half an hour, after seeing a shark, after seeing what we've heard about only through text books and the discovery channel ..... we surfaced and took our first breathe of fresh air and the sight to welcome us was a pink sky with the setting sun above the ocean's floor .... absolutely breathe taking .... a picture perfect, paint yourself a postcard, a scene you only see in the movies or your dreams ... painted and presented right in front of us. Brilliant.
I've learned so much lately...I almost want to say I've learned more in the past semester than I've learned from any book or class ... and everything I've learned this past semester is about myself ... and human interaction in general. It's amazing what you can see and what you can depict from just thinking, analyzing, wondering, questioning, pursuing.
I've learned what it means to feel alone.... not to be alone, but to feel alone. I learned I don't want my happiness dependent on anyone or anything, and that lonely feeling will just have to do without me. I learned the more people I talk to and go out with, the more the lonely feeling crept up in times where I didn't surround myself with people. That insight showed me a lot of what I want and what I don't want.
I've tried to picture myself a few years ago, how I used to be compared to how I am now. Do I like what I see? How did the changes occur? Would I change anything back? Why?
I've learned it's not so much butterflies that let you know this relationship is real and can work .... it's something I never saw coming.
In the moment where I don't know what my next step is .... if it's a skip, a jump, a fall, a nothing .... in the time where I've been most unsure and regretful, I remain happy ..... deep down, searching and yearning ... happy.
I hope.
I look back at times, pictures, moments, events, and I smile. I smile so much that I wish I could go back, for just a minute, an hour, a day.
We surfaced after being underwater for half an hour, after seeing a shark, after seeing what we've heard about only through text books and the discovery channel ..... we surfaced and took our first breathe of fresh air and the sight to welcome us was a pink sky with the setting sun above the ocean's floor .... absolutely breathe taking .... a picture perfect, paint yourself a postcard, a scene you only see in the movies or your dreams ... painted and presented right in front of us. Brilliant.
I've learned so much lately...I almost want to say I've learned more in the past semester than I've learned from any book or class ... and everything I've learned this past semester is about myself ... and human interaction in general. It's amazing what you can see and what you can depict from just thinking, analyzing, wondering, questioning, pursuing.
I've learned what it means to feel alone.... not to be alone, but to feel alone. I learned I don't want my happiness dependent on anyone or anything, and that lonely feeling will just have to do without me. I learned the more people I talk to and go out with, the more the lonely feeling crept up in times where I didn't surround myself with people. That insight showed me a lot of what I want and what I don't want.
I've tried to picture myself a few years ago, how I used to be compared to how I am now. Do I like what I see? How did the changes occur? Would I change anything back? Why?
I've learned it's not so much butterflies that let you know this relationship is real and can work .... it's something I never saw coming.
In the moment where I don't know what my next step is .... if it's a skip, a jump, a fall, a nothing .... in the time where I've been most unsure and regretful, I remain happy ..... deep down, searching and yearning ... happy.
I hope.
posted by Naddy at 11:04 PM
2 Comments:
"I smile so much that I wish I could go back, for just a minute, an hour, a day."
Wow Nade, that has been the story of my life for the past few months. Mourning the loss of my childhood and all that adolescence had for us to share. I don't want to grow up...I'm a toys 'r us kid. No really though...finding a real adult job, pursuing MY dreams, leaving all that I know...it's scary.
"I learned I don't want my happiness dependent on anyone or anything, and that lonely feeling will just have to do without me."
I love that quote. It captured my heart because it's where I'm at. It's hard for me to walk in that and truly feel it, but I know that I believe it. We are O.K. being alone. We are confident, independent, strong women who have an amazing Savior, a handful of amazing friends, and a life that is worth living every moment of.
P.S. It's a blast to make new "adult" memories with you. Not dirty ones!! I mean the ones of going out to dinner, working out for 2 hours at the gym, going out for dessert, and then going out for a drink and french fries all within the same evening. Who could ask for anything more?
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