“Where are you spiritually?” What a great question.

I’ve sadly learned how a relationship with Christ can become cyclical ….. thanks to human fault. It’s hard and it’s frustrating, but an inner fire starts brewing and as soon as you feel it, you know you’re in trouble.

I was lying in bed one night a couple months ago, exhausted and on the brink of a deep and ever so sweet slumber when I felt a sweeping sensation over my back. Like a blanket moving swiftly, making sure I was aware of its presence. But by no means was it calming, “I’m here to take care of you” presence. I awoke and was frightened. The next night, I distinctly felt three strong and cold taps on my right shoulder in a vicious attempt to wake me. One hundred thoughts and scenarios ran through my head in a second as to who it could be and what might be going on. My mind settled on the most logical of all; that it was my roommate and she needed my help. I whipped my head around in a panic, no one was there. No one was in my room. My roommate was sound asleep. No guests were staying the night. Yet, I was not alone. I was terrified. “In Jesus’ name … In Jesus’ name …. In Jesus’ name”.

That is when I knew I was in deep trouble, and I needed to get out, fast. I felt it deep down and I know He heard the rumble in my heart, because no longer am I afraid to go to sleep.

What's hard for me is that I feel I do not know nearly enough as I should or want. Learning is my motivation.

“Open my eyes to see wonderful things in your Word. I am but a pilgrim here on earth: how I need a map – and your commands are my chart and guide.” Psalm 199:18

through it all

Through it all, I'm having a blast.


And I'm not ready to lose this.

Golden

Everyone is entitled to their downfalls and they're setbacks ... it's the way they deal with them that says what's important.

We realized certain things happened in our life and we ask why. We ask why we were served a platter of heartache and pain that was painted gold for sometime, later to tarnish and reveal its true colors. We ask and we hypothesize, but we can do better.

We can be happy with the experiences we have come across, because through them all, we have walked away with something. We may not have seen it or known at the time, we may not know now and we may not know tomorrow .... but as long as we trust and believe, then we're golden.

I see a pattern in my life, and it's bizarre.

Like the morning I woke up and deemed you what I did, there you were ... as if we shared brain waves and you knew.

Like that time I made a deal with myself to let you go and there you were the next day, saying you were coming.

Like the time I dreamt that beautiful dream and because of it I realized I was ok with saying goodbye ... and there you were, saying hello.

Like how I met you when there's no time left. Just like the way I met him when time was running out.

Like how I let you be mad again and I swore this time you ran so far away you wouldn't recognize my voice ... and the day I felt the pain you sent my way ... my phone rang vibrating your name ... and you laughed that laugh that adored me.

Like how I was honest with you and after it all, I wondered why.

Like how this has happened before, just like this .... and that's why I know how this will turn out.

Like how I know I need to concentrate on Him and His glory and I don't ... for no reason .... until then.

All of these things I've seen before.

Except you ....

this one is for Man

life is only as good as the memories we make
and i'm taking back what belongs to me

polaroids of classrooms unattended
these relics of remembrence are just like shipwrecks
only they're gone faster
than the smell after it rains

last night while everyone was sleepin
i tripped through my old neighborhood
and resurrected memories from ashes

....

i found a map to buried treasure
and even if we come home empty handed
we'll still have our stories
of battle scars, pirate ships and wounded hearts,
broken bones, and all the best of friendships

and when this hourglass has filtered out
its final grain of sand
i raise my glass to the memories we had
this is my wish
this is my wish
im takin back
im takin them all back
-"so long, astoria" - the ataris

It's been a crzy/wierd/interesting/enlightening/painful/eye opening/holy cowness couple of weeks .... months ... semester, and I'm still wondering where it leaves me in all of this.

I look back at times, pictures, moments, events, and I smile. I smile so much that I wish I could go back, for just a minute, an hour, a day.

We surfaced after being underwater for half an hour, after seeing a shark, after seeing what we've heard about only through text books and the discovery channel ..... we surfaced and took our first breathe of fresh air and the sight to welcome us was a pink sky with the setting sun above the ocean's floor .... absolutely breathe taking .... a picture perfect, paint yourself a postcard, a scene you only see in the movies or your dreams ... painted and presented right in front of us. Brilliant.

I've learned so much lately...I almost want to say I've learned more in the past semester than I've learned from any book or class ... and everything I've learned this past semester is about myself ... and human interaction in general. It's amazing what you can see and what you can depict from just thinking, analyzing, wondering, questioning, pursuing.

I've learned what it means to feel alone.... not to be alone, but to feel alone. I learned I don't want my happiness dependent on anyone or anything, and that lonely feeling will just have to do without me. I learned the more people I talk to and go out with, the more the lonely feeling crept up in times where I didn't surround myself with people. That insight showed me a lot of what I want and what I don't want.

I've tried to picture myself a few years ago, how I used to be compared to how I am now. Do I like what I see? How did the changes occur? Would I change anything back? Why?

I've learned it's not so much butterflies that let you know this relationship is real and can work .... it's something I never saw coming.

In the moment where I don't know what my next step is .... if it's a skip, a jump, a fall, a nothing .... in the time where I've been most unsure and regretful, I remain happy ..... deep down, searching and yearning ... happy.

I hope.

Life Goes On

A few days before the new year, I realized I was upset and by no means excited for New Years Eve. I distinctly remember my sister, over the last family dinner in 2005 saying "2006 will be a good year for all of us". I thought about what she had said, and became excited, I agreed with her 100%. I was going abroad, my parents were beginning the building of their new house, and as for my sister, work was going really well and she was starting over after ending a long term relationship. Well, where did 06 go? Where did Australia go? The piece of land my parents owned for almost 10 years now bears an almost finished house and more so than that .... a new home. I feel like 2006 was a short lived dream. I feel like Australia never happened, I feel like I never left. 2007 terrifies me. 2007 is full of the unknown. Where will I be come May? What will I be doing? Will I be happy? Will I still be hanging on to what I'm hanging onto now, or will I burn a bridge or 2 that I worked so hard to build?

At the same time, I wonder, why do we put ourselves through this? What is all the hype of distinguising between different years? Why do we wait for the new year to come up with and start resolutions?

This is the first year that I've really wondered and contemplated where I'll be, emotionally and mentally in a year's time. And I wonder if that's because I want to be as far away from where I am now as possible.

it's unfortunate this makes all the sense in the world

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
-Tom Stoppard